Tears of a clown

Let me tell you about how two-faced I am. Before you get alarmed, I don't mean that I'm duplicitous or sneaky, I mean that I literally have two faces: 'no make-up' and 'too much make-up'. To my great shame and discomfort, I just never learned how to apply makeup in a normal fashion. 'But wait', I hear you say, 'Didn't you watch your mom?' Nope, she doesn't wear make-up. 'All right then,' you say, 'just what exactly were you doing with your teenage years?' Well, mostly kicking a ball about with the other tomboys. And now I'm all grown up, and I can't do it myself. Normally? Not a big deal, as my typical uniform of jeans, t-shirts and hoodies would look a bit incongruous with a face full of slap. But if I'm going out into town with other grown up ladies, it'd be nice. Here's what typically happens: I stand in front of the mirror putting a little bit on. I can't see it, so I put a bit more on, I can't see it so I put a bit more on, and repeat until I look like this:


Which brings us neatly to the movie IT. For some inexplicable reason, both Jamie and Maia are obsessed with the box. No matter where I stash it, they manage to find it. It looks like this:



And then Jamie and I had this conversation:

Jamie: Look, it's Mummy!
Me: What, the clown?!
Jamie: Yeah! It's what Mummy looks like, at night time!
Me: I look like a clown at night time?
Jamie: Yeah, when I'm in my bed!
Me (thinking to myself): Is this why he can't sleep at night?
Jamie: First, you do this... (rubs his cheeks) Then you do this... (strokes eyelids) Then you do this... (blots lips). And then you go out with your friends!
Me: Oh, I see what you mean...