Virgin Media has killed me and my children are eating my carcass and my phone is in on it

I've been so busy recently but Virgin Media has decided I can't tell anyone. Our connection is so painfully slow I can't load any sites and I'm thinking I might replicate the entire internet in a notebook for my reference and when I want to blog I will write it all out in shorthand, photocopy it, and mail it to everyone in the world because that would be quicker. I'm trying to run a speed test but the page won't even load and the irony is making me feeling a little bit giddy but mostly just stabby.

And then, in my infinite wisdom, during the week I let the invalid use the computer for CBeebies euphoria-inducing activities so I could do some sewing, and now I can't even get near the computer without them complaining 'it's their shot' and that everything I'm doing 'is taking ages' and they have a point because it is taking ages.

So then I tried to blog using my phone but it won't let me type actual words or even characters into the body of the post but titles of blog posts is apparently a-ok with my phone and then I had an aneurysm and I can't even Google what medical intervention I require and when I die of angry Steven is going to need to bring a corporate manslaughter lawsuit against Virgin but he'll need to go to his parents and use their computer for research.

UPDATE: I kid you not. Within five minutes of posting the above the internet was cured. Now Virgin wants me to look like an a**hole.