Does that change when you're posting pictures of other people? My treatment of posting pictures of the kids over the last couple of years has been much the same: filter out the ones that don't flatter them, adjust brightness / contrast, crop out some debris I didn't want shown. Not to hide anything, but to show the pictures and the kids (and myself by extension) in their best light. I didn't feel guilty. It's what we all do.
And then something changed. When I first noticed Maia's eye turning in, I thought it was an aberration and the pictures that highlighted it were filtered out as 'not-flattering'. I used pictures where she was looking down, or away from the camera. But as the months have passed, it's become clear that she has a lazy eye and it's obvious in more and more pictures. And still: I use pictures where she is looking down, or away from the camera.
I've been struggling with feelings of shame each time I post pictures of her because it's come to the point that rather than just enhancing my pictures, I've been hiding something. I've lost my integrity.
She is the same beautiful girl, she has nothing to be ashamed of. But how can she know that if (even unconsciously) I've been denying this is part of who she is right now? I know I have a lot of thinking to do about this and hopefully treatment will be a success, but it's going to be a long road and I need to do better.
Wow - brutal honesty. You hit the nail on the head with that statement about making funny comments about ourselves to preempt anyone else's comments - I do that all the time and my husband thinks it's terribly self-deprecating. Maia will be fine now that you've picked up on it - don't beat yourself up too badly.
ReplyDeleteI don't really have any wisdom to share, but much love to you. You're one of the most coherent, loving people I know and I don't believe for a second that there has been any conscious "hiding" of Maia or what s
ReplyDeleteis going on with her right now.
Don't beat yourself up Amanda, it all part of a mother's instinct to protect her child. You probably subconciously didn't want others to comment or notice. It also sounds like initially you were in denial and there's nothing wrong with that either. We all want our children to be "perfect". My friend's daughter had treatment for a turn and it was sucessful. As you say Mia is beautiful whatever her eyes are like. Sending you big((hugs))lady and give yourself a break ok?
ReplyDeleteSorry I'm such a dimwit I posted anon by accident and spelt your daughters name wrong too, *slaps self* Abby x
ReplyDeleteHey, don't be so hard on yourself! You just want her to be seen by everyone as you see her; perfect. And she is. And we do. Unfortunately, there are one or 2 nasty people out there, but the majority of us are not that shallow. Maia is adorable. You are just doing what you were born to do. It's a form of motherly protection. That's all. Hugs to you, B x
ReplyDeleteMaia is beautiful. Her personality shines through the photos you share.
ReplyDeleteAnd I rarely post photos of myself because no ammount of cropping or shopping can make me feel okay with myself.
Well done for another fantastically honest post which is why I love your blog so much! I think most of us would do the same. Izzy fell over when she was about 18 months old and bashed her front teeth. One started turning grey and I was mortified. I was basically only thinking about how she would look and how that would reflect on me. You want your children to be perfect. Luckily Izzy's tooth went white again (apparently its common in children) and its barely noticeable but I still discard photos where I can notice it. I think its a natural reaction. Maia is and will continue to be gorgeous (esp wearing all those cool clothes her mum makes!!).
ReplyDeleteWell done you on voicing your true feelings about a subject many never even think of talking about... The hush hush in parenting shall we say... I think Maia is a wee dote no matter what her eye is doing... I hope that all goes well, really I can only echo what others have said in comments before me... your just being a mum, I think it's more a protection thing than a shameful thing No?? She is and always be your little girl and you'll always going to be her mum the person who wants to shade her from any harm... I reckon your a great mum. BIG ((HUGZ)) xx
ReplyDeletePlease don't be so hard on yourself. It's such a complex issue... I love that whenever I look at my eyes, I can see my grandfather. I have exactly his eyes (even though my Mom doesn't have them). But I don't really enjoy them in pictures, because while they are just like my beloved grandpa's, that means that they always look tired.
ReplyDeleteAnd if it brings you any comfort, I inherited only two bits of my physical appearance from my father... an upper lip (thank goodness! my mom's upper lip folds completely against the bottom... you can hardly see it when her mouth is closed!) and a lazy left eye. Treatment, though annoying as a child, was successful. Though my left eye is much, much weaker in vision, it no longer turns. My dad was never really treated for his, and honestly the only time I ever notice it is in pictures (and he can do some neat tricks with it too).
You were just trying to protect her. I expect I would have done the same (although I have no idea how to change photos with technology - I just pick the best ones). Anyway, I know how gorgeous Maia is in reality - she looks just as amazing running around your living room as she does in all the pictures.
ReplyDeleteIt's no loss of integrity - far from it. We all do this, not just in photos but in life too. We know our kids are amazing/beautiful/funny/clever/whatever and we want the world to see them the way we do. (which is why my kids always get 'the manners talk' when we go out!!)
ReplyDeleteYou're doing a great job as a mum, and whatever you choose for your daughter, she'll feel loved, secure and protected. And that is truly beautiful. xx
don't worry, lazy eyes can be 'treated', my sister used to have it when she was a kid. my mum used to force her to cover her 'hardworking eye' so that her 'lazy eye' will 'work' again.
ReplyDeletego see a doctor, the doctor will help (:
Get a referal from the doctor to a specialist (I had to as a child and have had to for my three children). The youngest started wearing glasses when he was 1! I had to wear patches over one eye as a child.
ReplyDeleteHa ha just noticed that the word verification is blogr
BTW my youngest is even more gorgeous when wearing glasses (I am not bias at ALL...obviously)
You know, I noticed this in a picture of Maia and I was going to say something because it's so easy to treat when they are young. How funny that mommies hesitate to butt in when we should.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you are talking about. Rylee has a similar problem (eyes turning out sometimes) and my instinct at first was to ignore it or try to hide it. But I spoke up and we're going to a specialist this week. It's highly treatable and the earlier you address it, the better.
You know what even with these pictures I didn't notice, I just saw the curly hair and smile so like my daughter's. Maia looks like such a beautiful, happy child. Sometimes I think we notice things about our children more than just about anyone else ((HUGS)) xx
ReplyDeleteGreat post again. We all have to deal with this sort of thing with our kids and I appreciate your honesty in mentioning it. Maia is a sweetie whatever.
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of sounding flippant by posting this here - I wanted to let you know I nominated you for a Blog Award which you can read about http://wheremylifeis.blogspot.com/2011/02/stylish-bloggers.html
Best wishes xxLayla
Maia IS a beautiful child! I think it's a darn good thing that you take and analyse all these pictures of her, or you mightn't even have noticed the eye, and as has been said, the earlier it is treated, the better. You can see by her happy smile what an amazing, loving Mommy she has.
ReplyDeleteYour daughter is so beautiful, lazy eye or not. I may be biased, however, since it runs in my family too. My sister had hers treated and corrected as a child but my father didn't. It's just a feature to us, like dark hair or the trademark family nose. Filtering the pictures isn't being shallow, either. Of course we all want to show ourselves and our family in the best possible light. Strangers don't have the benefit of knowing you and appreciating the person rather than just the image.
ReplyDeleteMy sister went through the same crisis of vanity some months ago with her daughter. My niece was born with a mildly deformed face and head, due to a congenital disorder called craniosynostosis. All along, the pictures of my niece showed and unbelievably beautiful child with slightly asymmetrical features. The night before her surgery to correct the bones in her skull, my sister decided to share all the bad pictures, so that the family was aware that this wasn't vanity, but actually a serious condition that needed to be treated. Of course, no one thought for a moment she would have major reconstructive surgery on a 9-month-old for vanity's sake - and the new pictures didn't make a difference. She was still the same gorgeous baby to everyone (and her surgery was wildly successful and uneventful).
There have been tons of studies done that show a 'perfect' visage isn't perceived as beautiful, it is considered eerie. Turned eye or not, you are blessed with a very beautiful little girl!
I really hate that sinking feeling as you realise that something that has been niggling at you is something that needs real attention. Its even worse as a parent when you are responsible for recognising those things in your children and end up feeling guilty that you haven't done something sooner. I don't think I've commented before but I love reading your blog and its partly because your love for your children shines through so strongly. x
ReplyDeleteAs everyone's already said you were protecting your baby bear, that's what us Mamma bears do best ;)
ReplyDelete((((hugs)))
I've just discovered your blog today. I was scrolling through quite quickly when the word amblyopia caught my eye. My son has this. He wears glasses and a patch for 2 hours every day. It took me a long time to come around to his condition. I kept thinking it would only be for a month or two but my husband finally convinced me it would be for years. Although I do post photos of Mr H in his glasses, I am yet to post his patch. He couldn't care less, so I wonder why I care so much! It took us months to notice his eye squinting. It was only after a trip to Fiji that we noticed every photo of him he had one eye closed. The bright sunlight was causing it. Looking back he'd had it for some time. Oh well, at least we picked it up and took them to see a specialist. I keep reminding myself that some people don't even have that as an option... You're a good mum and don't forget that.
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