Bah humbug

I really don't have much to say today, I'm too peeved by 48 hours of straight parenting of a poorly child that vomits all over the place and doesn't let me on the computer and makes me watch inane DVDs all day while I lose out on eight hours of paid-for childcare so there's no time for crafting or catching up on my ginormous email backlog or even shower and then feels well enough to Ultimate Fight with his sister and exchange blood wounds and tells me I drink too much coffee and all I want is a shower because it's freaking freezing and we already have our heating on too much despite the fact it's only October and our car broke down again yesterday and will probably kill us all one day tired. But he did show his astuteness today:

Jamie: Mum, wot you doing?
Me: I'm tidying.
Jamie: Why? Who's coming over?

He's right. I never tidy, unless someone is coming over.

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There's the rub

Just in case you live in Outer Mongolia or you're Amish or something, here's a recap of what's been happening on my blog the last couple of days:

Me: Please, everyone help me with testing my adult jacket! It's urgent! As soon as possible!
You: We can help! We come in every size and shape, and we can help! Urgently!
Me: *Photoshops herself in pictures*

Now, that's a bit strange behaviour on my part, no? Well, my first excuse is that Jamie is ill and therefore stuck to me like a barnacle. After throwing up almost perfectly formed rice cakes at 2AM last night, a foray through the swine flu helpline this morning, and an appointment with the doctor before which he puked all over the car, he's been diagnosed with a bilateral ear infection. And he'll need to go into hospital tonight if he doesn't stop vomiting...

All of this illness is a perfect excuse in it's own right, but the crux of my inertia is sizing. My original jacket has been tried on by five people: Me, who is exactly my shape. Friend Sarah, who is roughly the same size as me but doesn't have Twiglet arms. Jane, my childminder, who is taller than me and has normal sized boobs. My friend Liz, who now runs half-marathons and is subsequently dinky. My mother-in-law, who is very slim but has wider shoulders than me. Let's get this straight: The coat looks awesome, on every one. But I just can't figure out what size it should be. Until I figure out that size, I can't grade to other sizes. Adult bodies (as opposed to children's bodies) are just so freaking different. And, as adults, we want coats that fit and flatter our bodies. Does anyone have any advice?!

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Am I out of a job?

Okay, it's not technically my job. Much to my chagrin, I've never been paid to Photoshop myself into different scenarios. I just haven't found a market. So it's more like a hobby, or a passion. But, as it turns out, some bastard clever-clogs has actually created software that makes me weep until I have no tears left to cry takes the grunt work out of creating your own fantasy world:


See? I would totally rock the cover of Procrastinator magazine.


And I have no doubt I would be an inspiration to elder statemen.


If I met David Beckham, about 15 minutes later he'd get a tattoo of me as an angel. Because I am.


Da Vinci might been more famous for the Mona Lisa, but I'm partial to the Amanda Lisa.


One time, in the gulag, me and my mini-doppelganger were forced to pose with our flute cases on the tundra.

If you want to have similar fun, you can chose from a bajillion different scenarios over here. Sadly, no Vikings or vampires. So maybe I do still have a reason to do it myself?

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The big ol' party frock

Next weekend Vonnie is having wee Greer christened and I'm gutted we can't make it through. But I'll be there in spirit, because I made big sister Erica this party frock:


Erica is partial to a very full skirt so this beauty is a massive 60 inches in circumference at the hem line.


And I made a fat and long polkadot sash for a waspish 50's waistline. 'Tis very important to toddlers these days.


As it's a bubble skirt I thought I'd go the whole hog and make it just plain reversible.


I'm not ashamed to say I pulled out fistfuls of hair figuring out how to make it reversible. But I got there in the end and can now go to sleep smug and blissful.


As the sash is tacked down on the bird side I came up with a sneaky little trick to get the sash through to the dotty side... wee slits at the side seam!

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Piracy at home and abroad

There are a lot of dangerous places in the world. Today I want to talk about 'straits' as they are particular hotspots. Why? Because their unique topography means that goods and people are channeled through a small passage, making them particularly vulnerable to piracy and menacing. But although places like the Malacca Strait get all the publicity and international concern, what about domestic piracy? Why is this menace being ignored? Take for example, the Strait of Kitschy Coo:

This is our living room. As you can see, the positioning of the couches has created a holding pen of sorts, where access to goods (toys) and services (entertainment) requires you to pass through a vulnerable channel. Can't tell from the scale of my diagram how small this strait is? About three foot six:


As you can see from the picture inset, this strait is littered with the corspes of animals. Not because of an act of bestia-cide, but because they chose to kill themselves as this drama is too damn stressful. So what can we do about the menace of domestic piracy? Write to your MP / Senator urging sanctions? Petition the UN for peacekeepers? Answers on a postcard please.

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Hands up if you want your own coat

Thanks to everyone who left such positive feedback on my first woman's coat, you gave me the courage to wear my creation out in public when I went out last night! Which gives me the opportunity to talk about the coat while showing gratuitous Girls' Night Out pictures. So this is what it looks like when someone has had a shower:


Please note I have a strange body shape. My shoulders, waist and hips are all narrow but I have a massive bust *waves at male relatives* so using myself as a benchmark for grading isn't a great idea.

Me and Ruth

I'm thinking I will probably offer this in small (UK 10/12), medium (UK 12/14) and large (UK 14/16). Because of the swing rather than tailored fit, the shoulder and bust are the most important measurements. And there's a bit of leeway on button placement so I think it'll be okay to cover two sizes per pattern... What do other people think about this?

Sarah, me and Ruth

So here's where you come in: I'm touting for a bunch of testers in various sizes and shapes to put my grading skillz to the test. I'd like to release this pattern quick-sharp (I can't offer ready made coats until I suss sizing) so I'm gonna have to give first priority to people in the UK . If you're interested in testing and can commit to working fairly quickly on this, please leave a comment with roughly what size coat you normally wear and if you're small, medium or big busted. But first, look how cute Ruth and Sarah are:

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So I bit the bullet, and didn't even break my teeth

So lots of people have been asking if I make adult coats. And now I do:


I drafted this last night and it actually sewed up perfectly. Including the armholes, God is obviously smiling down on me after yesterday's post. I made an retiree take these pictures. He's doesn't think I'm weird at all.


And the 'I'm a coward and always were black side'. You can see better from this picture that it's an asymmetrical collar coat.


I was kinda shocked how long adult arms are. Being a body dysmorphic, it's too big but I think it's still wearable. What do you think?

a. Wear it outside the house, with impunity!
b. Wear it outside the house, on the way to the asylum.
c. Wear it inside the house, when no one else is around.

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