Wednesday, 28 July 2010

14

People who say 'TREASURE EVERY MOMENT WITH SMALL CHILDREN' don't have small children. Or Moon Sand.

'Will you play with us?'

I remember being confused last summer when a significant portion of the people who were finding my blog through Google were searching some variation of 'What to do with kids over the summer holiday'. I'm not sure why, I've never purported to know myself. But with another year of parenting under my belt, I finally have some answers. Here are five awesome games we've been playing in the last couple of days. For those of you PC parents, don't worry: Almost all of these games don't have a winner.

Moon Sand
Requirements: 2 kilos of sticky sand in various colours, the 8" x 12" playmat included, cream carpets, Xanax
Object of the game: Combine the colours irreparably, track it all through the house, stain carpet, stain clothing
Who is the winner: The manufacturers, pharmaceutical companies

Baguette stop-clock
Requirements: A baguette, a watch with a second hand.
Object of the game: Walk down to the shop and buy a baguette. Use your stop-clock on the way back so that each child can hold the baguette for exactly 20 seconds before switching.
Who is the winner: Smug passerbys.

Is it still raining?
Requirements: A window.
Object of the game: Ask 'Is it still raining?' every twenty seconds until the answer is No.
Who is the winner: No one.

The Dice Game
Requirements: As many dice as participants
Object of the game: Everybody rolls the dice at the same time. If they're not the same, everyone says 'Oh no, let's try again!' If they are the same, everyone says, 'Yay, let's try again!'
Who is the winner: The last person not to die of boredom.

Flowers in the Attic
Requirements: Genitals, savvy.
Object of the game: Take an unhealthy interest in the private parts of your family. If not possible to physically interact with one another's genitals (see the role of Bi-Polar Policeman below), verbally speculate about each other's genitals at all times. One person (normally the tallest person, i.e. the parent) plays the role of Bi-Polar Policeman, whose job it is to walk The Tightrope of Sensitive Curiosity Versus For The Love of God Just Stop.
Winners: Therapists

DISCLAIMER: None of these games should be played by people with a nervous disposition, low boredom threshhold, anger management issues or high blood pressure.

14 comments:

  1. That really did make me laugh out loud :)

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  2. Oh my god. You are just far too funny for your own good :)

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  3. HAHAHAHA! I can laugh b/c it's not me. today anyway. I should really give it a few minutes before making such declarative statements.

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  4. oh my gosh, "is it still raining" is our FAVORITE game! And I thought we invented it...

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  5. You bought Moonsand? It's your own fault.

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  6. Excellent! I chuckled with delight throughout.

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  7. I knew this post would be a winner just by the title. It's so true. Sad, hilarious, and true all at the same time. I love it - thanks for the laughs.

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  8. I'm going to wake my children with the laughing - then they will ask if it is raining (it is) and address each other's genitals in a friendly way.

    Where are my dice???

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  9. Actually have tears of laughter here.

    Think I might just give those games a miss and instead play our special game of glitter (scatter glitter in as many strange and unexpected places as possible. Don't bother with glue because it will fall off anyhow), and also Let's ask the same question a million times in the hope that eventually the tallest person will give a different answer, but I think this might be somewhat related to Is It Still Raining....

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  10. This brought me to tears! You are the funniest blogger I know!

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  11. I do say tresure every moment and have 2 small children!
    But I did laugh a lot at your post. 'Genitals .. Savvy' heh.
    I get there "Are we there yet?" in the car. And every morning when we come downstairs "Mummy.. can I watch CBeebies" Like I would forget which chanel to put on!
    No sympathy on the moonsand thing. Saw what purple sand did at Brynns nursery and would never put sand in the house!

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