Saturday, 15 August 2009

3

Lovefests and Playgrounds: Part Two


Things started so well. The house on the lake, and the lake itself, were beautiful. From the moment me and Baby Calvin clapped eyes on each other, it was True Love. We immediately set about starting a Mutual Appreciation Club with only two members (although Jamie and Maia would like to be members too).


He's even more gorgeous and good-natured than I'd imagined, and he's so chubby his knees look like big muffins. He clearly adores me, and he thinks that everything I say is hilarious, even if I am telling him that we can't be together because of the age difference and shared genetic material. The first 24 hours in Vermont passed without incidence. Jamie, Maia and Isla were getting on famously and life couldn't have been better. Well, it could have if Paypal was willing to let me spend my own money but we'll not dwell on that.


Steven and I and the kids took the next stop on our 2009 New England Playground tour on Saturday afternoon while Isla was napping. Other parents are proud of their progeny's 100% attendance record at school. I'm proud of my children's 100% Poo to Playground Ratio, coming in at an impressive three for three for each of them in Vermont alone. Nothing is more certain to send Maia scuttling inside the monkey bars for some privacy, or Jamie in the Portoloo or forest, than a good playground. Daily ablutions complete, we went back to the car to return to the lakehouse.


But something else was afoot... By the time we got back, my legs were covered in goosebumps despite the heat. My joints were achy, my skin tingly and sensitive, even my scalp hurt. Feeling sorry for myself, I retired to bed with a book after the kids were asleep. I gave Steven instructions to come and fetch me when dinner was ready. None of us knew this would be the last lucid message from me for awhile.


To be continued....

Thursday, 13 August 2009

4

Road trips and Anthrax Deer: Part One

Maybe you've been wondering where I've been... Why have I been neglecting you? Why haven't I been updating you with my silly sunburn? How are my lady bits coping with the fluconazole moratorium? Have I encountered any extreme weather systems? I'm sure there are a million questions you want to ask me.

From Friday past to Wednesday evening I was in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont. That's right up on the border with Canada, and I should just say that I wasn't in the best mind frame to go away to the Canadian border for five days. Paypal had suspended my account the night before for using my own money abroad (yes, I am very cheeky) and I'd tearfully fought a pointless phone battle with them in Luxembourg in the morning to reinstate my account and pay all the people that were waiting. I had countless fabric orders stalled and they possibly wouldn't be able to be shipped in time for me to bring back to the UK. And the lakehouse we were borrowing from family friends did not have internet access so I couldn't continue my campaign to pay people. But nevermind, there was a local WIFI cafe and we were meeting the delectable Baby Calvin for the first time and catching up with the adorable Isla so I did have some things to spur me on.

Me and Mom had the pleasure of Jamie and Maia's company on the full day's drive, so to allow us frequent opportunities to do primal screams in the forest stretch our legs we had to make plenty of stops. Like at a second hand children's shop, where we bought a strangely alluring Mr Potatohead for Jamie and a gigantic grab bag of mixed ponies for Maia. Her new pony troops successfully (success being hers not ours) kept her stimulated and awake in the car for the next five days, which I suspect has something to do with this menacing pony:


Or this freaky deer made of real deer hide:


Or human hide a la Silence of the Lambs. It's just that freaky. I tried to keep that one well away from Maia, so it nestled at my feet. I joked to mom that the raw hide would probably give me anthrax.

To be continued...

Sunday, 9 August 2009

6

Hello, patent office? I have a great idea.


If you ever misplace your slippers, why not use oven gloves? It's not weird, honest.

Thursday, 6 August 2009

3

Who's this lothario?


Is it Russell Brand?


Nope, it's Maia.

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

10

Some Things Never Change: A short play

Setting: On family holiday in the US. Unbeknownst to me, my old nemesis Thrush also made the transatlantic trip. Cue visit to pharmacy.

Pharmacist: Can I help you?
Me: Do you sell Diflucan over the counter?
Pharmacist (incredulous): What did you say?!?!
Me: Diflucan. Fluconazole. Do you sell it over the counter?
Pharmacist (shaking head at my brazenness): Absolutely not! You need to go to your doctor for that! (mutters to self) Addict. Junkie.
Me: I'm on holiday, I don't have a doctor here.
Pharmacist: Well, might I suggest the 'Feminine Care' section of aisle 14? We have a vast selection of over-priced, ineffectual and disturbingly named products. You can't miss it.
Me: Thanks, you've been very helpful.
Walks over to Aisle 14, following the flashing arrows that alert all other customers to your predicament.
Me (to self): How will I ever be able to choose between Vagisil and Vagistat? Gyne-lotrimin? Or Vagi-guard? Hmmm, this brand 'Faultless' appeals to my sense of injustice that this happens all the time...
Fills arms with embarrassingly named products and goes to counter, drops haul before teenage girl cashier.
Cashier (cheerfully): So how are you tonight?
Me (with sarcasm): Splendid.
Cashier: That'll be a million dollars.
Me: Here you go.
Cashier (perkily): You have a great night!!
Me: I have a feeling it'll be fantastic, thanks.

Saturday, 1 August 2009

10

What's wrong with this picture?

Every one loves a puzzle, so what's wrong with this picture?


a) I'm at a fair and it's not raining
b) Even if you look closely you can see no evidence that I'm wearing suncream
c) There's a mania in my eyes that suggests that I'm struggling not to itch more than 100 bug bites
d) The humidity has made my fringe only one inch long

The answer? It's all of the above!

I had a stand at the town's farmers market yesterday on the first truly hot day. Incidently, this is how the kids feel about hot weather:

I had wanted to dress them in my wares as mini billboards so they could walk about being cute. Instead they stomped about being misery-guts and complained that they wanted to go back and 'sit in the house'.

So what did I get out of the fair?
  1. I sold almost nothing, but two of my peasant tops were bought as a baby shower gift for one of the editors of Vogue. That's very cool.
  2. At the table next to me was a thirteen year old girl selling her handmade jewellery, and I got to pretend to be a responsible adult who knows what she's doing.
  3. Buttercream laden cupcakes. Unfortunately not to be eaten until my head cold goes away and I can taste things again :(
  4. Silly Sunburn Syndrome: I'm really happy. You know that necklace I wear all the time? I don't even have to wear it anymore, its design has been immortalised in sunburn on my chest.

Friday, 31 July 2009

11

The Secret Garden

If I'm going to be boring you with my holiday pictures breaking my holiday down into intricate detail for your pleasure over the next couple of weeks, I thought I'd give you some context. My parents' house is in the middle of the woods with no neighbours for miles. They largely built it themselves, or to be more honest, the building / renovating / modifying process is an organic one that is still ongoing twenty five years later. When I was a girl, the garden space was a pretty functional space with just grass and a kickboard for practicing my soccer skills. But since I have grown up and left, my parents have turned the outdoor space into a veritable Secret Garden full of whimsical delights. It's probably no coincidence that after I left they found magic lacking in their lives.

The Gazebo

The bird house bought by me someone with impeccable taste

The frog pond looking down from the deck

The wide shot up the path

Anonymous flowers

Day lillies

The brightest blue

Looking across the frog pond back up to the house

The little gargoyle contemplating the frogs