Saturday, 14 November 2009


Ask the expert: results!

Remember last week how I asked you all to send your questions in because I'm an expert? Well here's the answers...

Do you pick your nose?
Hypothetically speaking, if I was to pick my nose, it wouldn't be this one: In fact, I've broken my nose so many times that using it as a breathing apparatus is nigh on impossible. You might also notice it sits on the right side of my face. So, if I was to pick my nose, I'd pick this one:
And I was very close to making a new nose a reality, but after I had jumped through all of the hoops of the NHS 'Cannot Breath Through Nose' wait list, I was pregnant, then breastfeeding, then pregnant, then breastfeeding, then booted off the list.

Why are kids cartoon so annoying now, but the ones that were on when I was a kid were so very much better?

Well, I have difficulty answering this because I grew up in the US and didn't have the same cartoons as you. That being said, I did heaps of research and I've come to the conclusion that the reason that you feel so nostalgic for 70's /80's cartoons is likely to be mescaline. That is this only reason why you would feel that Button Moon and the Magic Roundabout were awesome rather than completely crazy head f*cks. Don't judge your mum, it was a different time and it was totally acceptable to add psychotropic drugs to your breakfast cereal.

Why don't girls have wee men?
Simple fact. If girls had wee men, Jamie and I would have no common ground. Seriously, what would we talk about? As he grows and questions his world, other variables will change, but there is always wee men as the constant.

How does one get one's blogging mojo back, because I really can't be arsed with my blog at the moment....?

Good question. I battle this frequently as well. I think the key is to have a really insular life. If you do not speak to adults from Monday to Friday, you'll appreciate your blog way more. And you might be crazy, and that'd be funny and lots of people will come and marvel.

What's the female equivalent of the term 'wee man'? I have no idea what to call munchkin's bits when I'm talking to her. I'm currently using 'front bottom' which sounds frightfully prudish.
According to my husband, that is pretty prudish. We've agonised over this as well. Proper parents use the technical anatomical terms but the anxiety surrounding Jamie telling the nursery about my ba-gina is too off-putting. We've inadvertently decided on 'wee lady' because we like themes but 'bits' is also comfortably vague.

Why do two perfectly sane American girls move to Scotland where it rains relentlessly
. I mean, you have an excuse as you have Steven but me, what is my problem? That is my real question to the guru. What is my problem?
Eek. Considering where we met (*cough* therapy *cough*), I'd say plain old masochism. The End. Sorry.

Why it is dark in winter but not summer without using an astronomy book? This one stumped me.

Hmm, tricky. If I can't use an astronomy book, I'm gonna have to say it was never like this before we joined the European Union.

Why does hair grow?
It absolutely has to, because I kid you not, I'm losing it by the handful. Clumps of it, every single day. Enough that I'm wondering which disease I'm secretly dying from. I've narrowed it down to a shortlist of six, of which I probably have three because I'm a hypochondriac seriously ill. So I don't care why it grows, just that it does, so no one else knows I'm dying of three very serious conditions. Because I'm private like that.


  1. I'm having a giggle at 'Wee Lady'. We refer to Erica's as her labia because as factually correct as 'vulva' is I just can't say it to a two year old. Foof is my epithet of choice usually.

  2. I don't think front bottom is that prudish. That's what I called it when I was wee! I also used 'bo-bo' instead of 'wee man', though I clearly knew the right word, since I once announced to my grandmother 'My Daddy has a penis'.


  3. Hi,I'm Jamie & Maia's childminder, & after catching up on Amanda's blog from earlier last week I would like to tell everyone that she IS one of the most loving, caring,encouraging,dedicated & effective Mums I know. She is relentless in her quest to be the best parent possible to both her children & I think we should all applaud her!! Oh & she's pretty good at sewing too! Much love "Childminder" x

  4. I call Elise's bits, well, hits/lady bits, the boys have a winky. We also used front bottom growing up.

  5. We call them 'girly bits, seems to work for us.

  6. We call them bits, or front bits. In general referring to them, they get called lady bits or gentleman bits...

    I'll have to check the drug theory with my mother. There I was thinking it was more along the lines of kids tv being better in the early to mid 70s... obviously I'm *far* too naive!

    Although nothing explains the bizarreness that is yo gabba gabba

  7. LOL I'm remembering my son's little 3 year old gf going round tesco yelling "penis" over and friend (her mum) wished we'd had a euphemism.

  8. Hmmm, 'wee lady' works very well in Scotland I'm sure, but I think mebbe here in Lancashire people would think she was talking about a urinating woman.
    I'm sure she'd get labelled as posh if she said labia :)
    Bits sounds too dismissive to me. It's an important part of the female body, not just 'bits'! But then the whole package is made up of lots of different parts, so maybe bits is the most descriptive...So my problem remains - looks like it's Front Bottom then. But ta for the advice aunty Amanda!

  9. For some reason when I was a girl it was always called a tiddler ...
    Puts a whole new meaning on "I went fishing and caught a tiddler" ...
    But you've given me the perfect excuse to list some of favourite euphamisms for a lady-garden :


    I so wish my word verification was "flaps" but alas it's noustspo