I filed for divorce today.
'Whoa, wait a minute...' I hear you say, 'That's a big decision... What are the grounds?!' Did he throw away our savings on the horses? Nope, no savings.... Have an affair with his secretary? Nope, he doesn't have a secretary. So what has he done to provoke my ire? In the box for grounds for divorce, I've put 'unreasonable behaviour'. And 'provocation'.
Remember the other day how we made cupcakes? Well, Covetables must know a thing or two about women (or at least this woman) because the recipe yielded quite a bit of superfluous buttercream icing. I love icing almost as much as I love my children, sometimes more depending on how badly my children are behaving. It's been cheering me up no end to stick a sneaky finger in the bowl every time I'm in the kitchen. In fact, I've been contriving reasons to go to the kitchen for that very purpose.
So you can imagine my shock last night when I opened the fridge and found the magic happy bowl missing. Panic-stricken, my eyes darted around the kitchen, and I spied the bowl in the sink, full of water (italics used to emphasise earth-shattering horror). I stomped back to the living room and plopped myself back onto the floor to cut some fabric. The air was thick with tension.
'Did you notice I got rid of the icing?', Steven nonchalantly said, oblivious to the ill will I'd been sending his way and misguidely thinking he'd get some sort of medal for tidying something up.
'Did you notice I've not been speaking to you for the last fifteen minutes?'
'Sorry, I thought you were done with it. There wasn't much left.'
'There wasn't much left because I've been eating it whenever I've felt sad or down. You've ruined my life, I hate you.'
'If it was that important to you, why don't you make some more?'
'Are you crazy? It's acceptable to eat leftover icing, but you can't just make it to eat it.'
Know that book, 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'? More like men are from Hades.