Tuesday, 14 July 2009


The Doctor's: A short play

Today I finally brought Jamie to the doctor's to discuss his hearing. We've all been trying to figure out for some time now if he is hard of hearing or just infuriating. While his behaviour in every other way suggests he's just infuriating, the time has come to figure out if there is a medical reason so off to the doctors we went...

Scene: Crowded doctor's surgery. Forced to wait 30+ minutes. Toys and magazine removed because of swine flu. NB. Please remember Jamie shouts everything.

Jamie: Wot we doing?
Me: Waiting for the doctor.
Jamie: Wot you saying?
Me: Waiting. For. The. Doctor.
Jamie: Wot?
Me: Waiting for the doctor!!
Jamie: Right.
Maia (pointing at every other person waiting individually): Look! Man! Lady! Lady! Man! Man! Lady! Man!
Me: That's right. They're waiting too.
Jamie: Wot you saying?
Me: I'm talking to Maia.
Jamie: Wot you saying?
Me: Nothing.
Maia (pointing to man sitting near us): Look! Man! Wot man doing?
Me: Waiting.
Man gets up and moves. Lady gets up to go to the bathroom.
Jamie: Where's the lady going?
Me: Bathroom.
Jamie: Wot you saying?
Me: Bathroom!
Jamie: She's going for a wee wee! She's going for a poo!
Me: I don't know. Maybe. Now shush.
Jamie: I need to go wee-wee too!
Me: Now we have to wait, the lady's in there.
Jamie: Jamie: I need to go wee-wee too!
Me: Wait! The lady's in there.
Lady exits bathroom.
Jamie: She's finished her wee wee! And her poo!
Lady gives me the dirtiest look ever. We go to the bathroom for a wee wee and return to seats. Man arrives, sits next to us. Maia climbs into my lap and shoves her hands down my top.
Maia: Mmmmm. Boobies.
Me: Maia, stop it.
Maia lifts her top, touches herself.
Maia (to adjacent man): Look, Maia's boobies.
Me: Maia, stop it.
Maia shoves her hands down my top again.
Maia (to adjacent man): Look, Mummy's boobies.
Me: Please stop!!
Maia starts crying.
Jamie: Wot you saying to Maia?
Me: I'm telling Maia to stop.
Jamie: Why she crying?
Me: She just is.
Jamie: Maia, what's wrong?
Maia: Mummy.
Jamie: Oh, okay. You want an ice cream?
Maia: Yeah, yeah!
Jamie: Mum, Maia would like an ice cream.
Me: No, your not having ice cream. It's 9:30 and we're at the doctor's.
Maia (throwing herself on floor): Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream!
Doctor arrives and call us through.
Doctor: Right, what can I do for you?
Me (thinks): Euthanise me.
Me (says): I'm worried about his hearing. He talks really loudly and he doesn't seem to understand what anyone is saying ever.
Doctor (to Jamie): Do you have some trouble with your ears?
Jamie: Wot?
Doctor: Your. ears.
Jamie: I hear voices in my head.
Doctor (alarmed): You hear voices in your head?!
Jamie: Yeah, they're speaking. In my head.
Doctor hovers over his keyboard, deciding whether to type 'Schizophrenia?'.
Me: I think he means noise, not voices.
Doctor: Oh, I guess I won't type that in my notes. Let have a look then.
Doctor looks in his ears.
Doctor: Does he snore?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: I think it's his adenoids.

The End.


  1. Ah me, I feel your pain. Brilliantly transcribed.

  2. Oh my, what a nightmare:( And very well written - I felt every flinch.

  3. Ha! That's altogether too funny as a reader, and too close to the bone as another mum :)

  4. Haha. OK, Lucy has just shouted at me for laughing at the computer, I now have more tears in my eyes due to your morning than I had watching my daughter at her school play.
    Obviously I am laughing with you because I sooo know where you are coming from....and am now a little paranoid that my J has something more other than man-hearing wrong with him.

  5. oh! that is pretty funny to read, not that i'm laughing at you. i feel the pain and i don't have kids...think that's what puts me off. You poor thing, hope you don't have many more visits like that!

  6. Nairn's hanging off the back of my chair saying, "Mummy what you laughing about? Mummy..? Mummy..? Mummy what you laughing about? Mummy..? Mummy why you crying?"

    Oh dear. I feel your pain.

  7. This made me laugh out loud!! I've so been there. Funnily enough when I was little (age 3) I had problems with my hearing and I ended up having my adenoids removed. I think they do affect your hearing but only at certain pitches so you hear bits but not everything. All fine now tho.

  8. So funny and well written (as always) & I can relate to the experience at the dr's. At the allergist yesterday for my shots conor had a meltdown & he says "Mom, you're fired!" I feel like I'm on the tv show the apprentice on a daily basis.

    I'm glad they figured out J's problem. What's the treatment?

    I need to figure out my password so I am not anonymous anymore --


  9. I am afraid to admit it, but I am crying with laughter, infact I nearly wet myself! I feel very guilty thought as I should be sympathising, which I am, but I still couldn't help laughing. You can just see it happening as you read.

  10. Laughed 'til the tears came, I tell you.

    It's funny 'cause it's true. :-P

  11. Classic! You should do stand-up :o)

  12. Brilliant! I've just sent this link to friend of mine who has young twins (boy and girl) and will so appreciate this!

  13. Oh boy do I feel your pain! Both of my kids have had ear problems and after waiting at an ENT's office it makes me appreciate our pediatrician's office even more!!

  14. i'm giggling. this is what i have to look forward to in a year or two.

  15. Brilliant! Thanks for sharing that, I’m still grinning: a lesson in how to turn lemons into lemonade if ever there was one.