Tuesday, 3 November 2009


Ask the expert

All day long I'm asked questions. Why? Wot you doing? Why? Where we going? Why? As her newest developmental milestone, Maia has taken to parroting back the last word of everything I say as an incredulous question. Like this:

Me: For the love of God, stop acting like lunatics!
Maia: Lunatics?!
Me: Yes, lunatics!
Maia: Lunatics?!
Me: Yes.
Maia: Why?
Jamie: Wot you doing?
Me: Crying.
Maia: Crying?!
Me: Yes.
Maia: Why?
Me: You guys are so relentless.
Maia: Relentless?!
Me: Yes, relentless.
Jamie: Mum, are you happy?
Me: Yes, ecstatic.
Maia: Ecstatic?!
I run screaming from room.

And the curiosity of a four year old knows no bounds. My favourite conversation with Jamie yesterday went something like this:

Jamie: Mum, do you have a wee man?
Me: No, because I'm a girl.
Jamie: Does Maia have a wee man?
Me: No, she's a girl too.
Jamie: Does Maia have a bum?
Me: Yes.
Jamie: Do you have a bum?
Me: Yes, everybody has a bum.
Jamie: Even Daddy?
Me: Yes, even Daddy.
Jamie (thinking hard): Which do you like more, doing wee or doing poo?
Me (thinking hard about which one answer would be less mortifying when he inevitably tells everyone at nursery): I dunno Jaim, it's too hard to call.

It's not just the kids. Yesterday Steven asked, 'Should I grow a mustache for November?' This question isn't as strange as it initially sounds, November is apparently Movember. Where men grow mustaches to raise the profile of prostate cancer. I initially vomited and said no but then Twitter said yes and I realised I could blog about the mustache every single day so I said yes but now he's chickened out with some rubbish about being taken seriously at work. Because he works in an office, not as a porn star, so mustaches might not be taken seriously.

It's gotten me thinking. All these questions, all day long. I must be some sort of expert, like Dear Deirdre or Dear Abby or maybe even Mystic Meg. I bet there are loads of questions I can answer for you guys. So please email me any of your questions to theexpert@kitschycoo.co.uk and I'll round them up and answer them to the best of my abilities. They can be personal like 'When did you realise that you were so awesome at Photoshop?' or esoteric like 'What's the difference between Dida and cracker Dida?' or I can offer advice like 'How can I stop people from staring at me on planes?'. Or maybe you just want to know if someone has a wee man or a bum. Because I am the expert on that. Please do send me some questions though, because I'll be really embarrassed if no one does and I'll probably have to delete my blog or something.


  1. Hello - your wee man conversation made me laugh - A LOT! I am having a fair number of conversations like this with my boy at the moment, however many times we go over it, he still seems slightly perplexed.

    nice to stumble upon your blog.


  2. Aha, I have a question:

    Why are kids cartoon so annoying now, but the ones that were on when I was a kid were so very much better? (Hey, you wanted a question!)

  3. HEHEHE! That made me laugh too…great post. It's the one bit of info that is never passed on to potential parents. Kids are relentless!

  4. Great Post.

    My 2 year old has a question - when I said it wasn't a good idea to pile a pillow and his shoes on top of his 3 month old brother, so he could then perform a rescue, he wanted to know "Why not?" After a relentless day all I could say was it's dangerous, forgetting that this is one of his favourite words to say and so in no way diminished the appeal of placing his brother in rescuable peril.

  5. Perhaps you can help Theo who has had a break from his preferred question series but it is now back with added "dabby doooo!" - why did I sit him in front of a flintstones double bill?

    Anyway the questions:
    Where's Alex?
    Where's Daddy?
    Where's Mimi?
    Where's Granny?
    Get Alex now?

    Repeat until 3:30 when the first and last are resolved.

    Then when the aforementioned daddy comes home I get to make up the storylines of various tv programmes in answer to "what's happened?" when I've seen as much of it as he has....

  6. I have a question please. What's the female equivalent of the term 'wee man'? I have no idea what to call munchkin's bits when I'm talking to her. I'm currently using 'front bottom' which sounds frightfully prudish.
    Yours enquiringly,
    pickledweasel xx

  7. If I may be so impertinent as to pretend to be an expert on such matters myself:

    Pickled Weasel m'dear, I think you'll find the word you are looking for is 'Foo Foo'

    PS: We also had a brief dabble with 'Twinkle' but it did make the popular nursery rhyme somewhat difficult to explain...

  8. I'm so glad I've already gone to the bathroom because I would have peed my pants from laughing so hard. good lord you kill me. I have more questions for you but I'm still working here.