Friday, 18 September 2009


Tears of a clown

Let me tell you about how two-faced I am. Before you get alarmed, I don't mean that I'm duplicitous or sneaky, I mean that I literally have two faces: 'no make-up' and 'too much make-up'. To my great shame and discomfort, I just never learned how to apply makeup in a normal fashion. 'But wait', I hear you say, 'Didn't you watch your mom?' Nope, she doesn't wear make-up. 'All right then,' you say, 'just what exactly were you doing with your teenage years?' Well, mostly kicking a ball about with the other tomboys. And now I'm all grown up, and I can't do it myself. Normally? Not a big deal, as my typical uniform of jeans, t-shirts and hoodies would look a bit incongruous with a face full of slap. But if I'm going out into town with other grown up ladies, it'd be nice. Here's what typically happens: I stand in front of the mirror putting a little bit on. I can't see it, so I put a bit more on, I can't see it so I put a bit more on, and repeat until I look like this:

Which brings us neatly to the movie IT. For some inexplicable reason, both Jamie and Maia are obsessed with the box. No matter where I stash it, they manage to find it. It looks like this:

And then Jamie and I had this conversation:

Jamie: Look, it's Mummy!
Me: What, the clown?!
Jamie: Yeah! It's what Mummy looks like, at night time!
Me: I look like a clown at night time?
Jamie: Yeah, when I'm in my bed!
Me (thinking to myself): Is this why he can't sleep at night?
Jamie: First, you do this... (rubs his cheeks) Then you do this... (strokes eyelids) Then you do this... (blots lips). And then you go out with your friends!
Me: Oh, I see what you mean...


  1. Aaaahahahahahaha!!

    Awwww I bet you don't at all. I should introduce you to Eileen - she's a makeup artist :D

  2. *snurk* I have never been able to do eyeliner and mascara properly.. I don't entirely look like Tammy Fay but I rarely leave the house without some for of makeup on.. or my hair wild enough to hide my face. :P

  3. Lol, I am exactly the same, my mum never wears makeup and I never learnt from my friends cos they didn't wear it either. Cue clown face whenever I go out!
    There must be makeup classes somewhere that don't make you look like the makeup ladies at department stores?!

  4. I have the same issue- if I do put on make up ( once every couple of years really) I feel like my face is dirty or I forget its there and smear it all over the place. My mom is blind and for obvious reasons never really wore make up- occasionally she wore lipstick but she always had one of us help her out.
    Also- it's crazy things that will NOT scare the crap out of a kid- when I was a kid I saw a commercial for that movie and was convinced that clown was under my bed every night. Jamie's even afraid of a bear and that movie box doesn't phase him. Crazy.

  5. HAHAHA! Nice one Jamie! I have the same problem, although I'd like to think that I don't look like the clown but who knows...

  6. I totally feel you on the makeup thing. My mom wasn't a makeup person either. I learned a ton from this girl who has amazing youtube tutorials. her main site is and at the bottom there is a link to her youtube tutorials.
    You always look beautiful in your pictures though :)

  7. HaHa! Sorry - this made me laugh! A lot! Children, don't you just love 'em?!!

  8. I have kind of the opposite problem. Even though I hardly ever wear it, I can do great makeup. I just never want to get up early enough (and yes, I am such a slug that I want every. possible. second. of sleep).

    Thing is, when I do take the time to put some on, my girls rave so much that I begin to wonder if my everyday look is something akin to Jojo the Dog-faced Boy. (And we won't even begin to address my husband's disappointment with my lack of makeup wearing... let's just say that his previous girlfriend used to sell Mary Kay.)

  9. Hahahhaaaaaa :)
    I love make up. Maybe try Lauren Lukes stuff on Youtube? This one is quite neutral:
    but there are loads of others that are a bit more glam.