Agent 003.5

I'm sure you've all been wondering what my wee eccentric has been up to lately, but frankly, so am I. All I can tell you is that he started going to nursery two afternoons a week a couple of weeks ago. They have an incredible reputation, I was shocked that they had a vacancy at short notice. So good is their reputation, that it's a bit like the Oxford or Harvard of the Edinburgh nursery scene.

You might have heard rumours that covert agencies like MI5 and the CIA infiltrate top universities to recruit spies, getting the best and the brightest when they are young and malleable. Well, these are scary times what with lead-laden killer books, phthalate-riddled cotton dresses and of course the Living etc forum, so I think they have been forced to extend their recruitment into an even younger substrate. And where better to hide their nefarious spy agenda than the benignly named Mr Squirrel's?

Since starting at Mr Squirrel's, Jamie's behaviour has progressed from being merely inexplicable to become both inexplicable and mysterious. Like all good spies, his activities beyond the house have become 'don't ask, don't tell' situations. Here's how things sound in our house these days:

Me: Hey Jaim, how was nursery today? What did you do?
Jamie: I tell you later.
Me: What did Grandma say to you on the phone?
Jamie: I tell you later.
Me: Where are you going with my wallet?
Jamie: I no tell you, I tell Daddy.
Daddy: Where are you going with Mummy's wallet?
Jamie: I tell you later.

You got to hand it to these guys, they know what they're doing. Not only has my three year old acquired a secret double life, but he's become well versed on diversion and the Socratic method. Previously, when he did outlandish or naughty things and I asked "Why did you do that?!' he would honestly and simply answer, 'Cuz I like.' Now, when he does outlandish or naughty things and is challenged with a 'Why did you do that?!' he cryptically answers, 'I don't know. You tell me.' Way to turn the tables, kiddo. I stare into space thinking of a way to explain to him that being a toddler is equivalent to being a crazed lunatic dictator, and the frustration at not being in control manifests itself in uber-controlling psychotic episodes, or that he is exploring the boundaries of himself and between himself and other people so that he can grow up secure and comforted... He's off doing secretive outlandish things elsewhere.

I can only imagine that Jamie came to the attention of these recruiters because of his precocious techno-savvy. Ever since he was tiny, he has studied how things work and memorised how we use things. Consequently, he's able to independently operate almost any appliance (even those he shouldn't). Two days in a row now, he has put on his favourite movie (Toy Story) and then navigated the specific menus so that it is dubbed in German, watches the whole movie, and then quotes back phrases in what I assume to be as German. I don't know why, he's going to tell me later.

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