Another year closer to shuffling off this mortal coil

No birthday is complete without a card from Maia's range of Boobie Cards for Special Occassions.


Maia might be a breast girl, but Jamie is clearly a leg man. Or an ear man. I'm sticking to legs.

Pin It

Tweet

More adventures with geriatic neighbour

Scene: The foyer of our building.
Characters: Me, Jamie, Maia, Geriatric neighbour, Geriatric neighbour's daughter

Geriatric neighbour: Why, hello there!
Me: Hello!
Geriatric neighbour: Have you met my daughter?
Me: I think so! Hello again.
Neighbour's daughter: Hello.
Geriatric neighbour: And this is Jamie.
Jamie: Hello.
Neighbour's daughter: Hello.
Geriatric neighbour: And this is Maia.
Neighbour's daughter: Hello.
Maia (pointing): And these are Mummy's boobies.

The End.

Pin It

Tweet

Flattery will not get you everywhere

Maia: Grandma, I love you.
Grandma: I love you too.
Maia: Grandma, you're my best friend.
Grandma: Thanks very much!
Maia: Grandma... can I see your boobies?
Grandma: No thanks.
Maia: Please? Please, Grandma, can I see your boobies?
Grandma: No thanks.

Pin It

Tweet

Hallmark, DO NOT steal our ideas

Me: Hey, Maia, why don't you make a thank you card for Jane for your birthday present?
Maia: Okay.
Me: Why don't you draw a picture of Jane?
Maia: Okay. Maia: Look, I drew her boobies!
Me: She's going to love it.

Pin It

Tweet

A whole lot of Random

• Here is Anna super-modelling her coat, which she loved. And she wore it home, which made me very happy.
  
  

• I pinky swear that this photo isn't staged. This is where Steven put our bills yesterday. That's our frying pan:
  
  

• This week, I walked to the shop with a fox for the third time in as many months.

• Yesterday we had a coffee morning at the nursery and one of the other mums has a newborn baby. When she started nursing him, Maia turned to me and said, 'This is so exciting.'

• Oh, and Cool Girls? See the date? It's skirt due day! There's a lot of finished skirts in the Flickr pool but I'll not start blogging about everyone's skirts until tomorrow. Because if everyone else is just a tiny bit like me, there will still be some last minute Top Secret sewing.
  

Pin It

Tweet

We need to move house

I've mentioned before that 72.7% of our building is populated by geriatrics. This can be a good thing, say if you need a stand-in for professional photographer to take your picture in the back garden. Or you're suffering from a deficiency of small talk. But it can be bad, because they are around a lot and are likely to witness all sorts of things perpetrated by your children. Remember when Jamie pressed his wee man against the window at our nemesis neighbour? Well, he later died. Probably unrelated, but it can't be underestimated how dangerous children can be.

Scene: Our front car park. A convergence of generations.
Elderly neighbour: Why, hello there!
Me: Hello.
Maia: Hello, man.
Me: This is John. He lives upstairs from us.
Elderly neighbour: My goodness, what a big girl you are now! You're not a baby anymore!
Maia: When I was a baby, I drank milk out of mummy's boobies.
Elderly neighbour: --
Me: Well. Okay. We best be going.

See? Dangerous.

Pin It

Tweet

Warning: contains awesomeness

Remember when I said everyone was getting a Thinsulate-based gift for Christmas? They did. They took a lot longer to make than you'd think. Because drawing on Thinsulate with markers is actually very hard.

For Jamie, in homage to The Love of the Dida, a Ryvita cosy:

For Maia, in homage to The Love of Boobies, a pretty brooch:
For Steven, in homage to His Love for Me, a Thinsulate covered notebook:

And look, he likes it so much he's already on page three!

Please try not to be overcome with jealousy. Maybe one day you can marry into my family and get hooked up with Thinsulate gifts too.

Pin It

Tweet

And then Jesus did what?!

Today was our very first nativity play and it was adorable. Before you start wondering when Rudolph met the baby Jesus (or the baby Cheesa as Jamie says), it was a pageant of two halfs. First, the religious bits. Second, the carols. Although he's been rehearsing for more than a month Jamie eyed the proceedings with his usual, 'What the hell is going on here, then?' But it was funny seeing what those crazy kids were doing, and he enjoyed himself.

This is his very authentic shepherd's costume. I didn't even make the tea towel, that's how busy I've been.



I apologise for the quality of the video. It was so crowded I had to kneel on the floor right next the mother with the best video camera official videographer and hold the camera aloft with both hands and tape blindly. And if my hand is unsteady, it's because Maia took advantage of my hands in the air stance and enthusiastically felt me up with both hands. I'm looking forward to buying the official video and listening to her murmurings of 'Mmmm, boobies!' over the kids singing.

Pin It

Tweet

We're diversifying

I've been working hard on my kimono pattern. Maia has been working hard on diversifying her awkward hand poses. This is what we've had so far:

The passive-aggressive 'Why me?' hands

The Surfer hands

The 'Boobies cold' hands

The Rapper 'Dope, Dope, Yo' hands

The Camp hands

The Messiah hands

Clearly, the reason I'm telling you this is because I'm trying to distract you from noticing that the fabric is upside down.

Pin It

Tweet

It's Criminal

Not made by me for once, can be found here

I've been watching a lot of Criminal Minds recently, mainly because it's on from midnight to 2AM. I know, I know... I'd be more productive if I didn't have the TV on, but it keeps me awake and a girl's got to have a little bit of a treat for her diligence.

As you know, I'm been on the look out for an age-inappropriate crush after Shia LaBeouf was disqualified for incestuous intentions and Josh Peck for egregious hair. To be honest, I've not been giving it too much attention with all this sewing I've been doing. So, oblivious to my quest, sewing away in the early hours, demented with fatigue, Criminal Minds on in the background .... (To save me embarrassment can anyone related to me by blood or marriage please skip forward to the next paragraph) The. Hottest. Kiss.



Yikes. I wasn't prepared for that. And I totally haven't watched that a bunch of times since.

If you're wondering so you can do your own research, his name is Matthew Gray Gubler. Technically this isn't an age-inappropriate crush, he's only a year younger than me but he was born in a different decade than me so I'm willing to bend the rules. This is what he thinks of me:


And just look, he likes doing this:


Yep, he splices pictures together. Just. Like. Me. He's posted that on his MySpace page, to show me how compatible we are.

You can learn a lot from Criminal Minds. Like last night, they were discussing how they needed to analyse the un-sub's Love Map. Well, here's mine:




All right, I'm ready for everyone to disagree....

Pin It

Tweet

The Doctor's: A short play

Today I finally brought Jamie to the doctor's to discuss his hearing. We've all been trying to figure out for some time now if he is hard of hearing or just infuriating. While his behaviour in every other way suggests he's just infuriating, the time has come to figure out if there is a medical reason so off to the doctors we went...

Scene: Crowded doctor's surgery. Forced to wait 30+ minutes. Toys and magazine removed because of swine flu. NB. Please remember Jamie shouts everything.

Jamie: Wot we doing?
Me: Waiting for the doctor.
Jamie: Wot you saying?
Me: Waiting. For. The. Doctor.
Jamie: Wot?
Me: Waiting for the doctor!!
Jamie: Right.
Maia (pointing at every other person waiting individually): Look! Man! Lady! Lady! Man! Man! Lady! Man!
Me: That's right. They're waiting too.
Jamie: Wot you saying?
Me: I'm talking to Maia.
Jamie: Wot you saying?
Me: Nothing.
Maia (pointing to man sitting near us): Look! Man! Wot man doing?
Me: Waiting.
Man gets up and moves. Lady gets up to go to the bathroom.
Jamie: Where's the lady going?
Me: Bathroom.
Jamie: Wot you saying?
Me: Bathroom!
Jamie: She's going for a wee wee! She's going for a poo!
Me: I don't know. Maybe. Now shush.
Jamie: I need to go wee-wee too!
Me: Now we have to wait, the lady's in there.
Jamie: Jamie: I need to go wee-wee too!
Me: Wait! The lady's in there.
Lady exits bathroom.
Jamie: She's finished her wee wee! And her poo!
Lady gives me the dirtiest look ever. We go to the bathroom for a wee wee and return to seats. Man arrives, sits next to us. Maia climbs into my lap and shoves her hands down my top.
Maia: Mmmmm. Boobies.
Me: Maia, stop it.
Maia lifts her top, touches herself.
Maia (to adjacent man): Look, Maia's boobies.
Me: Maia, stop it.
Maia shoves her hands down my top again.
Maia (to adjacent man): Look, Mummy's boobies.
Me: Please stop!!
Maia starts crying.
Jamie: Wot you saying to Maia?
Me: I'm telling Maia to stop.
Jamie: Why she crying?
Me: She just is.
Jamie: Maia, what's wrong?
Maia: Mummy.
Jamie: Oh, okay. You want an ice cream?
Maia: Yeah, yeah!
Jamie: Mum, Maia would like an ice cream.
Me: No, your not having ice cream. It's 9:30 and we're at the doctor's.
Maia (throwing herself on floor): Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream!
Doctor arrives and call us through.
Doctor: Right, what can I do for you?
Me (thinks): Euthanise me.
Me (says): I'm worried about his hearing. He talks really loudly and he doesn't seem to understand what anyone is saying ever.
Doctor (to Jamie): Do you have some trouble with your ears?
Jamie: Wot?
Doctor: Your. ears.
Jamie: I hear voices in my head.
Doctor (alarmed): You hear voices in your head?!
Jamie: Yeah, they're speaking. In my head.
Doctor hovers over his keyboard, deciding whether to type 'Schizophrenia?'.
Me: I think he means noise, not voices.
Doctor: Oh, I guess I won't type that in my notes. Let have a look then.
Doctor looks in his ears.
Doctor: Does he snore?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: I think it's his adenoids.

The End.

Pin It

Tweet

Go Girl Power! (Maybe)

Today I thought I would give you a well-earned respite from my applique endevours and talk a bit about my little girl. Maia is under-utilised blog fodder. She doesn't have the food, sleep or authority problems that Jamie has (at least not yet), and only pops up here when she undergoes catastrophes or is an adorable model for my wares. But I could blog about her all day, every day, because she's hilarious.

I don't know about the rest of you mums with girls, but I want to teach Maia that she can do anything. I want her to grow up happy and fulfilled, and to do stuff that she loves doing. I study her and note the things that she likes to do and wonder, 'Hmmm, what will you be?'.... And then I crap myself. Because based on her current interests, she's likely to be one of these:

• A hellion: Numerous people have noted that Maia is going to be hard work when she is a teenager. She is very strong willed, she does what she wants to do and doesn't do what she doesn't want to do. End of. Given a pen and a minute without eagle-eye supervision, she attacks any available surface (read: graffiti artist). She covers her skin with elaborate ink drawings (read: tattoos). She covers her face in stickers (read: facial piercings). At this point, I would like to preempt a comment from my parents: I also was hard work as a teenager, I got a tattoo in my teens and at one point I had 11 piercings.

• A member of GLOW: For the uninitiated, this acronym stands for Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. She loves a tussle, and is rougher and stronger than her big brother. She already has a costume (and doesn't she look formidable?): I think her name will be Maia 'The Trebuchet' Jones because she already has a signature move. She lies on her back, lifts her legs towards her face and then suddenly drives them back towards the floor with alarming pace and strength. I've been a recipient of one of these hammer blows and it's no laughing matter.
  


• A mammographer: Despite the fact that I stopped breast feeding her a year ago, the girl is obsessed with my breasts. Anytime we are within close proximity, she has at least one hand down my top, usually with the other hand holding my shirt out of the way so she can admire her handiwork. She is nothing if not thorough.



• Pole dancer: She likes being naked, she likes to dance. In fact, I doubt there is anyone in the world who likes being naked as much as she does. All day long she implores 'Nek, nek' in the hope that I will strip her off and let her run amok. When she was about 5 months old and first pulling herself to stand, her chosen apparatus was the metal pole support of her swing. Being unsteady, she would wobble and gyrate around said pole. I said to Steven, 'Look at her, it looks like she's pole-dancing!' For the record, it is inadvisable to say this to a Dad. If you were worrying that I might produce a naked dancing picture or *gasp* photoshop Maia's face onto a poledancer's, have no fear! Because I found this one instead:

Pin It

Tweet