The Unintended Amazingness of Septoplasty

There really isn't any better day to get facial surgery than Halloween.

NOW WHO DOES THAT REMIND YOU OF?!?!

Please watch as I get stripped of my sewing blogger credentials:

The kids are wearing store-bought costumes.   We got them in Spain because I couldn't bring myself to make outfits I wouldn't get to see worn and enjoyed because I'm terrible like that I ran out of time to make them.  Maia is a Bruja (witch) and Jamie is a... I don't know... a ghost, a bear, a ghost bear?   Best Halloween ever.*


*Except for every other Halloween I've ever had.

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'Hello, United Nations? I'd like to report a violation of my Human Rights.'

Me staring at computer (yesterday)

I typed a full-blown diatribe at my in-laws yesterday about how Virgin was depriving me of my basic human rights by taking away my internet for three days. It was a heartfelt tale involving the emptying and moving of bookcases, rebooting of modems, complaints to call centres, and booking of technicians. I couldn't publish because their computer has a Death Virus on it and crashed just as I was looking for appropriate grief-striken pensioner pictures. Just as well. Because I forgot that Virgin have two sadistic obsessions:

1. Taking away my internet.
2. Making me look like an a**hole.
   

So much more hilarious when they both together. Eight hours after telling me my modem was borked and could only be fixed by a technician, they gave me the internet back on the sly. Nice one, Virgin, now everyone on Twitter thinks I'm a fantasist.

Anyway, happy times to have internet back and a non-borked modem. But what could have crashed the web and caused an international disruption of services?.......



What the internet was made for.

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My pre-emptive attempt at becoming Reviewer Extraordinaire

I've never posted a review on here before because no one ever offers me anything I want I have heaps of integrity and lots of money anyway. But I'm feeling left out of this review-laden blog world and rather that sit back and wait for the products and experiences to (inevitably) flood in, I'm going to do a review I wasn't even asked to do. You have to make your own opportunities, people.

So yesterday I went to my new dentist:

Pros:

• Good magazine selection in waiting room.
• Tact: New dentist did not even mention my over-zealous attempts the night before my appointment to pimp my teeth and trick him into thinking I floss all the time.
• Skill: As I hadn't been to the dentist in *cough* three years *cough*, I had one meta-tooth connected by tarter. (Well, two teeth. One on the top and one on the bottom.) Using mad dentistry skillz he successfully separated the meta-teeth into their constituent teeth.

Cons:

• Waiting room was the temperature of Hades.
• Lack of chat: Previous dentist was like long-lost best friend. It was initially creepy when he seemed to remember in minute detail what we discussed at last dental appointment. Turned out he made notes on your file. New dentist was not interested in discussing holidays or becoming best friend.
• No freebies: Was not offered new toothbrush or sensitive person toothpaste. Previous dentist, as best friend, hooked me up with products.
• Dental hygienist keep getting my tongue stuck in suction pipe.
• Zeal: technically this is a Pro (see 'Skill' above) but the separating of my teeth and the evisceration of my gums made me resemble:

Unintended bonus:

• I have no issues with my teeth that require further work. Steven, however, found out at his appointment that he has two cavities. Me= Moral High Ground. Steven= Dental Cash Cow.

On balance, New Dentist was not as likely to become my friend in real life as Previous Dentist. However, he was way less menacing than First Dentist, who once dropped a (mid-drilling) drill onto my lip and on another occassion almost shot my dad while hunting. Therefore, middling on a personal level. Professionally, seems to know his stuff.

If you are a medical practitioner in Edinburgh who is interested in having your services reviewed, please contact me. As a family, we have a lot of experience with the medical profession and have had no less than four doctor, three nurse and four dental appointments in the last month alone! I will provide a balanced review and a relevant True Blood picture to illustrate your service. Examples of my work:

This is me giving a blood sample.

This is me having my smear.

Disclaimer: Obviously I received no compensation for this review. Yet. But if I've blogged about it it's a valid business expense, right?

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If you geek me, I'll geek you back

When I say that I've been working on something Top Secret, it sounds so serious. But usually, it's not very serious at all. Remember how Apryl sent me an awesome hand-crafted Eric Northman doll? Well, I thought I'd make her something in return. Something ridiculous.


I did a bit of detective work to figure out all the celebrities that get Apryl into a fangirl flap and made their images into a collage with handy annotations. It was a little bit embarrassing explaining to Steven what I was making. And what UNF means. Mom and Dad, do not even google that. It means cute.


I printed it into a fabric-fusible paper, ironed it onto some polkadot fabric and made a notebook cover for artist's sketchpad.


And because Apryl is going on a trip back to our homeland soon, I also made a smaller travel notebook.


Probably the saddest dorkiest most awesome thing I've ever done. But I got to laugh at myself for two whole days.

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When passions collide and make awesomeness

We all know how much I love crafting.
We all know how much I love Viking Vampires.
We all know how much I love Meridian Ariel.

And now I can love all three simultaneously. Look what Apryl sent me!


Now look at this:


Now look at this:


Amazing. Apryl even shares my passion for substituting me into fantasy world. Sure, I might do it with my frankly astounding Photoshop skillz, but Apryl favours the more old-school typewriter strike-through:


A double whammy:


And a lovely pink bracelet to boot!


Apryl's creations are also stuffed with olfactory delights for added sensory pleasure. Eric smells of coffee, vanilla and cinamon. You should buy one of your own gothic dolls here.

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My name is Amanda and I am an addict

Amanda: 1, Willpower: Nil.

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A racer back tank inspired by my libido

I've been thinking a lot about tank tops recently. Lots of reasons why, really. We're imminently off on another American adventure where summery clothes are not surplus to requirements. And I've been thinking about summer patterns. A tank top / boy cut briefs combo would make an ace bathing suit, no?

I double heart a racer back. Probably because they are Off Limits to me due the profusion of bra straps required to make me humanity-friendly.

I do not double heart sewing binding onto knits. But I sewed this in a much easier way: folded over and stitched to the wrong side of the tank and then flipped over to the right side and topstitched down. It gives a lovely, neat finish:

Yes, summer holidays with bonus sun included, and bathing suits, blah blah blah. But the real reason I have been thinking about tank tops more than usual?


You: 'Amanda, I cannot see that picture well enough'.
Me: 'Brace yourself.'


True Blood is back so very soon. And we all know how I feel about that. So, yeah, tank tops are on the brain.

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This is why we staged The American Revolution

Here are my top three reasons why it stinks to be an American in the UK today:


Britain is gripped with Election mania right now, and I can't vote. One of these jokers will be my new leader through no fault of my own. And, more importantly, the election is closing Jamie's nursery for two days because it is a polling station. Ergo:

Can't vote + nursery closed = (sucks)2

This is the kind of advanced thinking that the UK political system is missing out on by not letting me vote.


Springtime in Scotland. Also summer. I have not retired my winter coat yet. My Vitamin D levels are at negative eleventy thousand.



This book? The tenth in the series? A salve for the pain that is True Blood Withdrawal Disorder? Currently available in the US. Not available in the UK for another month.

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Am I out of a job?

Okay, it's not technically my job. Much to my chagrin, I've never been paid to Photoshop myself into different scenarios. I just haven't found a market. So it's more like a hobby, or a passion. But, as it turns out, some bastard clever-clogs has actually created software that makes me weep until I have no tears left to cry takes the grunt work out of creating your own fantasy world:


See? I would totally rock the cover of Procrastinator magazine.


And I have no doubt I would be an inspiration to elder statemen.


If I met David Beckham, about 15 minutes later he'd get a tattoo of me as an angel. Because I am.


Da Vinci might been more famous for the Mona Lisa, but I'm partial to the Amanda Lisa.


One time, in the gulag, me and my mini-doppelganger were forced to pose with our flute cases on the tundra.

If you want to have similar fun, you can chose from a bajillion different scenarios over here. Sadly, no Vikings or vampires. So maybe I do still have a reason to do it myself?

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Feeling perverse

Firstly, thank you all for your advice, comments and votes as to whether I should do the Country Living show. I really appreciate you all taking the time to help! I really, really want to do it in my heart but I've been looking at it objectively over the weekend and have some interesting conclusions. Well, interesting-to-me conclusions:

• In the month since coming back from the States, I've sold more than seventy patterns, but less than ten garments. By that rationale, I am more in demand as a designer than a maker. I have patterns up to 7Y/8Y in testing, and a bunch of new designs that I haven't had a chance to put on paper yet. Given that I only have to do the work on patterns once and then they take care of themselves, the best use of my time is to be developing more patterns.
  
  
• I was caught out big time this summer when I used up almost all of my fabric making things in specific styles / sizes that didn't sell at the terrible fairs. No more fabric, too much inventory, loss of flexibility to make things to order. For example, I have enough of a specific fabric for two coats and, under pressure for inventory, use it to make a jacket in 18m/2T and 3T/4T. What if someone wants a bigger size or different style? Not only can I not do that, but if those coats don't sell I have neither the flexibility nor the sale. This will be a problem for me until I start buying fewer designs of fabric, but in greater quantities.
  
  
• In my desperation to 'make enough stuff' for the fair, after finishing something I've actually caught myself thinking, 'I hope no one wants to buy this' because it would take away from my inventory. That's perverse thinking. Likewise, I'm getting emails everyday from people wanting me to make things for them, but I've been thinking I shouldn't because I need to make things for the fair. Again, perverse thinking... turning away actual business now for the prospect of business later.
  

I know that I'm turning down a chance to be uber-successful but as Emma asked, am I ready to be more busy than I am now? Things will be a lot clearer next year, Jamie will be at school and Maia at nursery and I'll have a full year of planning behind me. And the decision not to do the fair has nothing to do with this:

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Further proof that my life is unfair

I've grown up a lot in the two weeks I've been in my thirties. I realise now that it was silly for me to look for age-inappropriate crushes. Let face it, they were boys. Boys who wanted to shag their mums, or commit crimes against hairdressing, or geeky boys that are too cool to acknowledge crushes even after being harassed by Vonnie. And I don't need boys in my life. Neither do I need men. What I need is hot vampires. I dare you to look at these pictures and not agree with me.


For those of you unfamiliar with True Blood, this is Eric. I was doing a lot of *ahem* research last night for this post and I'm not the only one who's obsessed. Here's my favourite geeky graphic from the awesomely named 'F*ck Yeah Eric Northman' fan site: It's one of life's great injustices that I have never been in a vampire love triangle. But a girl can dream, right? So with the final episode of series two looming this weekend in the US, here's how I think it should go:

Wow, check out that girl over there.

(Looking coy)

I can't stop thinking about that girl.

Listen, Eric, have you told Sookie yet?

I've met someone else.

I need some advice, how am I going to find out who she is?

Don't worry, I'll Google her.

Look, here's her blog.

Hey, she's really funny.

But what's this she posted last Sunday?!

It was her *sob* wedding anniversary?! She's married! Nooooooo!

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If found, please return to owner

Anyone seen my mojo? I've always found it hard to get back into things after a long hiatus, and it's no different this time. Despite being back in the UK for almost a week, my website it still down and all my shops are still shut. I haven't sewn in almost a month and I'm needing kick in the backside to get my momentum going again.

So let's do some navel-gazing. Here are the culprits for my inertia:

1. We brought back Series One on DVD and I'm hooked: But the tide might be turning, we only have a couple left and Steven was more interested in watching football last night than having another marathon. Perfect opportunity to sew, right?
   
   
2. Nope, I started reading this over the weekend: And stayed up to 3AM last night finishing it (thank you, jet lag). Awesome book.
   
   
3. So my nights might be full of vampires and Swedish thrillers, but surely I could still get my shops up and running again during the day, right? Step forward, needy children: After a month of at least one adult giving them their undivided attention all of the time, they've forgotten that they could play nicely independently or with each other for maybe 15 minutes or something. Don't get me wrong, I like Hide and Seek as much as the next woman, but two hours is pretty excessive when they hide in the same freakin' spot every time and Jamie tells me where to hide before counting.
   

I'm confident(ish) I'll get my mojo back, but what's going to be the first thing I make? Something like this is tempting:


But before I can overhaul my wardrobe with a Homesick t-shirt, I absolutely need to do something about my accessories situation. Yes, it is serious enough that it's now deemed a 'situation'. As you might know, I hardly ever sew anything for myself. I don't normally have the time, I don't want to 'waste' my fabric on me, and I completely lack the confidence to try to make what I see in my head. Or even recreate something physical, right in front of me.

No matter what Picked Weasel says, I'm not cool. But even I know the difference between shabby chic:

From Wheatie Bags on Folksy

And just plain shabby:


And the difference between distressed:
And distressing:


That's right, folks. Those specimens are my everyday bag, and my wallet. I've had them for about five years each and it shows. They embarrass me, they embarrass my husband. I tried to buy suitable replacements on Etsy, but in actual fact I want exact replicas. So I'm gonna have to make them myself. And I'm seriously obsessing about it. Any advice from bag or wallet makers? Or does anyone just fancy kicking me in the bum and get me moving again?

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