The part of Robert Redford will be played by me. The part of fake refugee will be played by Branson.

I have been very touched by the collective good-will towards my finger. The little twins who live across the street have even been praying for me. Don't worry about me, God. Honestly, I'm fine. So I took my bandage off a couple of days ago. The nurse said four days, but I counted the day that she did it, and the day I took it off, and I stayed up very late on Tuesday and Wednesday so those days counted at 1.5 days. Really, it was very close to four days. Apart from Friday (technically the day I should have taken it off), when I had a Robert Redford in The Natural moment, it is healing really well.


To the people who won't get this reference: Robert Redford is a baseball player with a big game and twenty-year old bullet lodged in his stomach. He's at the plate and hits a home run and everyone is like, 'Just look at that guy getting stuff done he's a goddamn hero running around those bases like that WAIT A MINUTE IS THAT BLOOD COMING THROUGH HIS SHIRT WHAT IS GOING ON'. Me and my poorly-bandaged-by-me finger reenacted this scene fairly accurately except for the exploding overhead lights. I couldn't find a single screencap of this dramatic denouement and I was google image searching things like 'robert redford the natural bandage' and 'robert redford the natural blood'. No screencaps. But just look what does come up under 'robert redford bullet wound'...


My old enemy of yore. Nice try, Branson, you are no way heroic like Robert Redford in the The Natural. In fact, The Daily Mail reports the story as 'The Moment Virgin boss pretended to be a refugee and was 'taken hostage' by armed gunman'. According to the Daily Mail (so by rights I'm calling shenanigans'), this was an official simulation with the United Nations but I'm guessing that faking injuries and pretending to be refugee is not a one-off with this man.

For the sadists who wanted to see what it looked like when I took it off, knock yourselves out. Many apologies to my Flickr contacts who saw the picture without any say in the matter.

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Branson: The Final(?) Chapter

'The European Court has found that pursuant to The Human Rights Act, all European Citizens are entitled to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of LOLCATs...'

'I think you'll find that Kitschy Coo isn't actually a European Citizen.'

'Now, wait one minute, Branson. She's a god-damn American citizen and we do not stand for this sort of thing.'

America doesn't stand for this sort of thing.

'Hmm. Let her phone the call centre two dozen times. They will have a script for that.'

India responds.

The religious respond.

'What is going on down there?'

Branson is busy.

'Sort it, Branson.'

'I guess I could let her speak to someone in the UK.'

A Scouser knows his stuff.


IS THAT THE INTERNET?


Kitschy Coo bathes in its glorious warmth.

((THE END. I hope.))

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A comedy of errors

I know, my internet woes are very boring. Each day this week it's been cut off an hour earlier than the day before and I was starting to worry that eventually it would be cut off before I actually had it and a whopping great hole would be ripped in the Time-Space Continuum and before you know it it's the apocalypse again. So I called Virgin this morning. Hereby follows a (fairly) accurate representation of my experience:

Virgin robot: Press one for..... press six for.... please enter character four.... press five for.... press six for.... press two for.... press nine for... please enter character one..... press two for.... press four for.... press one for.... press six for....
Me: Press. Press. Press. Press. Press. Press. Press. Press.

While I am on hold, other people* have breakfast:



Technician one: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: I have terrible internet problems blah blah blah...
Technician one: Okay, let me somehow take over your computer so you are embarrassed you when you realise what sites you have open.
Me: Okay.
Technician one: I have fixed everything. It all works now.
Me: Oh really?
Technician one: I have fixed everything. It all works now. Goodbye.

After hanging up the phone, I confirm that the internet does not actually work. Let's start the process over. Meanwhile, some people take out their garbage.



Technician two: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: I have terrible internet problems blah blah blah... Your colleague told me he fixed it but he didn't.
Technician two: Okay, see that blue light on your computer, is it on?
Me: Yes.
Technician two: Great, your computer is on.
Me: --
Technician two: See that green light on the monitor, is it on?
Me: Yes.
Technician two: Great, your monitor is on. You can see things, right?
Me: --
Technician two: See that green light on the router, is that on?
Me: Yes.
Technician two: You have the internet. Is there anything else I can do to help?
Me: I don't have the internet.
Technician two: You have a problem with your computer.
Me: No I don't. Every single device has the same problem at the same time.
Technician two: When you fix your computer, the rest of your devices will start working.
Me: That is not even possible.
Technician two: I am transferring you to the 'It's Not Me, It's You' department.

Meanwhile, other people are on the phone too....


Person three: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: I have terrible internet problems blah blah blah...
Person three: Can I have your account details?
Me: Blah blah blah.
Person three: You do not have an account with us.
Me: You are a joker.
Person three: I'm going to have to transfer you back to the beginning. Ask whoever answers to 'warm transfer' you back to me.

Person four: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: The last person I spoke to told me to tell you to 'warm transfer' me back to him.
Person four: What is this thing you speak of?
Me: No idea.
Person four: Well, who were you speaking to?
Me: I don't even know what is going on.
Person four: I'm going to transfer you.

Meanwhile, in another part of the world....



Person five: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: You could come to my house and stab me to death.
Person five: Ma'am?
Me: I have terrible internet problems blah blah blah...
Person five: I'm not authorised to speak to you as you are a 50mb customer. I will transfer you.

Person six: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: I have terrible internet problems blah blah blah... You are the fifth person I have spoken to during this epic one hour and thirty minute conversation.
Person six: It is a known fault in your area.
Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME DID YOU ACTUALLY ADMIT THAT
Person six: There has been a fault for ages.
Me: I KNOW THAT I HAVE TOLD EVERYONE THAT
Person six: Your internet loses its connection constantly.
Me: THIS IS A JOKE I AM ON CANDID CAMERA

*Disclaimer for legal types: Any resemblance to real people, be they Richard Branson or not, is purely coincidental.

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Postcards from the edge

I had a great time in Belfast, eating out, shopping, chatting and catching up with sleep. However, on my return I found that our internet problems are back. Apologies, this is the most boring post in the world, but I am now at a point of desperation. If I can't get this sorted, it will kill my business. And quite possibly my soul. Please, can anyone with technical nous help me?

Here's the situation:

• When we first had the wireless installed, I had heaps of problems. Internet worked in the morning, but changed to an intermittent connection in the afternoon. Four technician visits, a replacement of the router, tinkering with settings of Norton, all sorts of ipconfig stuff in cmd, it started working. I thought it was fixed.
  
• There was a power outage on the evening I left. Up until this point, the internet had worked more or less all day long for a couple of weeks. Now, we're back to the old problem of a working internet in the morning and intermittent connection from the afternoon. All of the things mentioned above I have done again but no fixes this time.
• By intermittent connection I mean that about two thirds of the time I either refresh sites I've been on or try to access new sites I get Server Not Found or Connection Timed Out errors. If pages do load (after hitting refresh refresh refresh refresh), the format is often all wrong with missing images or embedded content (like google ads, Youtube etc) showing the same Server Not Found error within the page. Clicking through almost never works.
  
• When I'm in cmd after service has become intermittent, pinging google.com works occassionally, but most of the time it gives a server not found error.
• From the time the connection gets poor, this is the case for all of our devices. Safari on the Ipad is slightly better than the PC at actually making a connection with sites, but it's still getting server not found errors and it is slow. This leads me to believe that it can't be PC or Norton related, but Virgin / router related.
• Logging onto the router shows no obvious problems, although the error log can have quite a few 'time not established' critical errors about T3 time outs and DHCP WARNINGs.

The most frustrating (and baffling) thing about this is that it works for the first couple hours of the day. My normal work day with the kids at school and nursery is to sew while they're out and do all my computer stuff like blogging / updating sites / answering emails etc in the evening. Having to do computer things in the morning means that I'm not actually getting a chance to sew uninterrupted any more and it's only a little bit melodramatic to say this is ruining everything I've been working hard at over the last couple of years.

Can anyone shed light on this?

UPDATE: Now, 120% more boring! My diagnostics:

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The prodigal blogger returns

The computer problem was resolved last week, but it took at least 100 hours to build our trust back. I was convinced that no sooner than I announce I'd fixed it, it'd be gone again, so thus I continued radio silence. You will notice I said I fixed it; despite four technician visits from Virgin, they were unable to find the problem. Lucky for me, I have a mantra:


And a phone with internet access. Using my phone, I googled and googled and googled. I did lots of things rational non-desperate people wouldn't do, like change the settings in my computer and the router and my security software and execute command prompts in secretive black screens. I am awaiting news of my honourary degree in computer science, or perhaps an OBE in the Queen's Honour List. So enough of that, I hope I will never have to use my 'Richard Branson personally hates me' tag.

And what have I been doing in abstentia? Heaps. Here's a sneaky peak of something I'm working on right now.

What have you all been up to?

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This week the part of Hitler will be played by me

After a year of slow / ineffectual internet connectivity in the evenings and weekends, I finally bit the bullet and upgraded to a package (allegedly) five times faster. The technician installed it on Tuesday morning and roughly an hour later I lost connection. For the last four days I've had the equivalent of someone flicking a switch on and off, allowing me one minute bursts of access for every two minutes without. Nothing is loading properly, with formats all over the place and images completely missing. Obviously I have taken dozens of hilarious pictures, but I can't upload them. Hours and hours and hours have been spent on hold and with the fault desk, with them maintaining there is no problem and me maintaining I have no internet. After threatening to leave, a repairman was finally sent yesterday and although he couldn't figure out what is wrong, at least he could see that it is wrong. Which is a start, but I have no idea when I'll be back online through the actual computer rather than my phone. So I leave you with a (not suitable for work) video that sums up my week, where I play the part of Hitler but with less fascism and no swearing........

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I'm with the band

Arcade Fire- Edinburgh Castle

It's just as well that there weren't heaps of comments urging me to immediately put The Green-Eyed Monster top into mass production in a single-handed sweat shop operation. I'm going to be too busy now that I'm joining a band. Specifically, this band:

Virgin Media was so worried about this development that they took away my internet for three days so I couldn't tell anyone or arrange the logistics.

From my detailed observations, the main prerequisite to joining the band is enthusiasm and I can work on that. Take a look at the drummer in the back with his hair in the air. That doesn't look too tricky.

The girls wear prom dresses. I can do that; I will pack my epilator.

The only potential barrier is lack of musical talent... this totally bad-ass (semi) front woman played the drums, keyboard, accordian, tambourine and sang in key. That's a lot of work, I will take over the tambourine.



NB. Not my video, I was too busy dancing.

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The Birthday Suit

As an uninteded consequence of Virgin and Blogger joining forces to deprive me not only the internet in general, but my blog in particular, I had the opportunity to knuckle down with Maia's birthday preparations. Of course, by 'knuckle down' I mean 'do everything the night before'.

Although she would have preferred a Princess Dress, as the celebrations were at the trampoline centre I jumped on the Jumpsuit Wagon with shorts to protect her modesty.

With bright pink leggings, sparkly butterfly sandals and Saccharine Bear she's upped the Girly Quotient to acceptable levels.

Just look at how casual they are.

For the record, Jamie does not normally dress like this. That's his pajamas.

I used the same fabric as I did for her first birthday outfit, the very first year I sewed.

Jamie and Maia: Looking identical since 2008.

I have mixed feelings about the girl turning four; I'm not sure it's allowed for her to get big so quickly. At least she we have Jamie wearing PJs during the day as our constant.

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Disheartened Zebra is disheartened

Introducing.... version two of the Sis Boom Jamie dress.

Things not to judge me for:

1. Making a zebra print dress. It's been in my stash for 37 years and it's wide enough for a half-circle skirt.
2. Wearing red tights. I already had them on today, and couldn't be arsed changing them.
3. Lack of blog posts. It's Virgin Media again and three nights in a row with the internet shut off at 7PM.
4. Whining. My prerogative.

I'm not even sure I can call it a Sis Boom Jamie dress anymore because of all the changes I made to the pattern. Jennifer Paganelli, do not even sue me for copyright infringement or misrepresentation or even defamation, it won't be worth your time and court costs.

I will start with the back... I extended the sash from the original party at the front to party all around, and still maintained the pleats. Pinning Version: Awkward in Pink to my doppelganger (who was helpfully wearing my bra) made me realise that the elastication was not necessary in the back, so there is no elastic at all. Straps were rotated to vertical, armhole given a deeper curve. Despite manifold changes, my bra strap still shows. I HATE YOU, BRA STRAP.

'Oh, bodice', the matron sighed as a single tear ran down her cheek, 'you had so much promise...'

I made so many changes to the bodice I'll probably need to start up a whole 'nother blog just to talk about it. To summarise: I moved the strap so it came out vertically (and shortened the straps three inches), scooped out a bit at armpit, made it slightly scooped neck rather than straight across (and switched to 1/4" elastic to follow the curve better), added some fullness under the bust for a bit of height / to cover my bra, and decreased the height at centre front bottom* to eliminate the pooling. Here's a under-appreciated camera move:

Below the boob looking up...

So great was my desire not to bulk up my centre front and present the world with Mono-Boob, I moved all of the gathers under bust. This was probably over-vigilance.

The skirt was changed from a gathered skirt to a half circle skirt. I did some late-night mathematics to draft 3/4" circle and full circle patterns as well**. Mr Dorset, if you're reading this: 'You were right, I totally still use geometry and algebra when I'm older'. Skirt is not hemmed yet.

The verdict? Meh.

• The Good: Waistband gets a thumbs up
• The Bad: Bodice still looks ultra-matronly to me (I know, zebra stripes + bosom shelf = bad idea)
• The Divisive: On one hand, I like the fullness. On the other hand, drapes cause bulk to stomach region. Although not having to worry about posture and support undergarments is appealing, I would also like to look thin because 30 Day Shred will render me so in about 13 days.
  

What say you?

* Pickled Weasel, I await your joke about centre front bottom.
**Thank you, KID MD, for your awesome tutorials on half, three quarters and full circle skirts!

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'Hello, United Nations? I'd like to report a violation of my Human Rights.'

Me staring at computer (yesterday)

I typed a full-blown diatribe at my in-laws yesterday about how Virgin was depriving me of my basic human rights by taking away my internet for three days. It was a heartfelt tale involving the emptying and moving of bookcases, rebooting of modems, complaints to call centres, and booking of technicians. I couldn't publish because their computer has a Death Virus on it and crashed just as I was looking for appropriate grief-striken pensioner pictures. Just as well. Because I forgot that Virgin have two sadistic obsessions:

1. Taking away my internet.
2. Making me look like an a**hole.
   

So much more hilarious when they both together. Eight hours after telling me my modem was borked and could only be fixed by a technician, they gave me the internet back on the sly. Nice one, Virgin, now everyone on Twitter thinks I'm a fantasist.

Anyway, happy times to have internet back and a non-borked modem. But what could have crashed the web and caused an international disruption of services?.......



What the internet was made for.

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This might constitute a manic episode

I think I've earned a first class degree in Masochism by deciding I'm going to make everyone a Christmas present this year.

In a week.

And I've been photographing everything I make.

Because, you know, I have plenty of time to write tutorials.

I am awash with spare time.

In between making All the People, All the Things.

Comment suggestions:

• General pats on the back for prolific output.
• Tales of how much you miss me generally (or in the evenings) because Virgin won't let me go on the internet.
• A frank discussion of how much I should be charging Steven to make things for his family. And by 'frank' I mean someone say 'heaps' and then everyone else agrees.

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