Situation vacant: Mummys' boys need not apply

You might remember that I revealed my age-inappropriate crush on Shia La Beouf a couple of months back. But now I'm reeling, because he recently gave an interview (in Playboy no less) and said this:

'Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. She's an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds.'

Yes, that's both bad and wrong, not to mention creepy. But I was (almost) prepared to turn a blind eye, as it's a perfect quote for inserting 'Jamie and Maia's mum' for 'my mother':

'Probably the sexiest woman I know is Jamie and Maia's mum. She's an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my Jamie and Maia's mum and marry her, I would. I would be with Jamie and Maia's mum now, if she weren't Jamie and Maia's mum, as sick as that sounds.'

Doesn't that sound much better? Anyway... a couple of days after declaring incestuous love for his mother, this picture was published:
It's him, and his mother, and she just wiped his nose, in public. I'm so over him.

But now the situation is vacant, so can anyone recommend an age-inappropriate crush to fill the void?

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