The mythological diabetic death cake

Yes, I know you might come here to see the clothes. But when it's birthday time, let's face it: you're here to indulge your baking schadenfreude. I am never less aspirational than when I bastardise cakes. If you're new, you might want to check out the Bell's Palsy Jaundice Super Why, the volcanic Fifi, a cake interpretation of when Peppa Pig gets Leprosy, and the Thomas the Tank by way of ironic Surrealism. This time I had expertise on my side with the acquisition of this book on outlandish cakes:


But I also had dire baking skills, and our lack of functioning oven working against me. Never one to back down from a challenge, I set off on the bus on Wednesday night with a backpack of ingredients to my in-laws to use their oven. After the batter was mixed, I realised that there were not enough cake pans there (or perhaps anywhere in the whole world) to bake the requisite pieces for my cakey tour de force and I was forced to pour batter into everything with a base and sides. Be thankful they don't have any aluminum dog bowls. And then I had the realisation that I needed to bring all these cakes back to our house in a backpack, so I had to cut those 45 cakes into 45000 smaller cakes and precariously stack them into said backpack. Like cake Jenga. Fast forward a day and the assembly and decoration loomed. Once I checked out the outline template, it was clear that the final cake would be enough to feed at least 100 people, so big in fact I had to cut up a gigantic cardboard box to use as a cakeboard. Gallons of buttercream frosting covered all the Frankensteined joins between pieces, acres of sweets and candies sat atop the frosting as decoration. Be very afraid, diabetics:

It's a mermaid. Clearly.

To appreciate the sheer size of it, look how I have to hold it with two hands. I almost couldn't get it through the doorways.

We've only eaten the bottom right adjunct of the tail so far.


Maia had her heart set on one of cakes that utilised integrated Barbies to recreate girly ecstasy, but I talked her round to the mermaid. They were rather impressed if I do say so myself.

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